Modern breakfast is a tear-worthy travesty. Most commuters just eat a protein bar or nothing on the fast-walk to their car. The rolled oats, apple cinnamon pancakes, and wedges of Canadian bacon are missing, replaced with suburban traffic. Yeah, breakfast is the “most important meal of day,” but it’s like telling college students that alcohol isn’t healthy for their livers. In both scenarios, who the fuck cares? However, breakfast needs to make a sexy comeback—not only for health reasons, but because of the cooking potential us yuppies are missing out on. Don’t gourmet cereal and luxury toast sound exciting compared to run-of-the-mill lunch and dinnerings? Follow the ten tips below, and breakfast will be the most titillating hour of the day.
- Wear lingerie as you cook the food. In fact, don’t wear anything. Being a naked chef makes the food taste sweeter and earthier. The natural look is fashionable now, so rock that birthday suit all the way to the kitchen.
- Have sausage (or any meaty, chunky food) with breakfast. Not only will the meat fill up that body, but it will make the entire house smell like an off-the-interstate Waffle House.
- Only play sensual or spacey music that makes the kitchen feel like a classy brothel. Soft jazz breathing from the living room…Tame Impala from those Beats in the pantry…Watching Food Network on your mini TV just adds unnecessary white noise to your morning.
#HootaTip: Recommended breakfast songs include The Less I Know The Better, Coffee (Fucking), and All These Things That I’ve Done. Listen to a comprehensive playlist on Spotify here—curated just for you.
- Get up early enough to watch the sunrise. Tinges of fuchsia and orange are romantic, so snuggle up with your S/O, cat, or blanket from an ex-boyfriend to get the tingles. After the sun filters into the kitchen, cook a scrumptious meal with a dewy eye.
- Prepare the most filling and healthiest foods possible (excluding the fresh meats). Stuff bananas, strawberries, cottage cheese, and stoneground toast into your mouth—didn’t you get the memo? Healthy is the new sexy. Taking care of your body is so in right now.
- Eat breakfast in bed, still nude. If you are alone and single, pretend you’re on date with yourself (light a candle for maximum coziness). Have a partner? Well, those scrambled eggs should be extra spicy.
- Smack your lips as loud as possible. Scientific studies have revealed that sloppy chewing noises activate the carnal areas of the cortices. Always eats with your mouth open for heightened stimulation.
#HootaTip: Watch a few ASMR videos to get an idea of how your slogging food should sound.
- Leave your dishes sprawled in the sink, still dirty. Embrace “I’ll do them later,” and forget about those crusty plates until evening.
- Cover your body with strawberries and whipped cream. Trust me, it’s stimulating. There’s something delicious about smelling like fresh berries (*au-natural perfume*).
- Get drunk. By yourself. Before work. Suck down mimosas like they’re about to be federally banned. Uber exists for a reason, even if it’s just to economically extort your wallet. Everyone looks beautiful and put-together when they’re tipsy.