A Comprehensive Analysis Of My Life At 20 Years Old

B. Hoota

What I’ve Accomplished So Far In College:

  • My internship with D______ was astounding. I’m 20 with a Big 4 Accounting weighting this insignificant name.
  • I was offered the Business Internship position at the O’Connell Center. Let the dating of basketball players commence.
  • My publications with Huffington Post, The Crocodile, Spoon University, LearnTravelArt, and {potentially} VICE are baller. As is the over 1500 views on my Chick-fil-A article.
  • I am an advanced-level certified IRS tax prepare. SWAG!
  • I touched the hand sweat of Florida Basketball players.
  • I got a 100 freaking percent on a Finance exam.
  • I’ve learned how to balance the insanity of college with the studious part of it. I spend my minutes either studying, partying, or watching That 70s Show, which I think is an excellent distribution of my time. I’ve dispensed of most fucks (i.e. caring about my fraternity, the roommate situation), but there’s still a few kinks to untangle (i.e. boys)
  • Morphing between a happy drunk and a ragey one is my specialty.
  • My writing style is loaded with sexuality now, but that’s definitely an improvement. I’ve cut out words. Deleted phrases. And gotten published.

What I Still Have To Accomplish In College:

  • Become a Rowdy Reptile next season. I only went to six games, but I sure as hell better scream at eight next year.
  • Get an article on VICE. It’s been almost three months of discussion with Jelayna…and nothing has been published. Freelancing sounds trendy, but it’s pain-staking and too virtual.
  • Here we go again: have sex. What the bloody hell have I been up to except snogging? And getting rejected on dates that aren’t a date. Maybe if I stop putting it on my “goals” list, it’ll happen.
  • Learn how to be a proper photographer (i.e. exposures, angles, and such). The iPhone is gold, but it’s not hipster level.
  • Pull a Nick-from-New-Girl-worthy prank on the accounting school.

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What I Like About Myself:

  • I don’t have a boyfriend, but I pull guys without sleeping or flirting with them. Skills?
  • I can drop hard drugs on occasion and still get 100%’s on finance exams. I love myself.
  • Avoiding a hangover is second nature now.
  • I’m suffocated every week by schoolwork, deadlines, and meetings, but I still haven’t burned out yet—how?
  • My brain is a repository of random knowledge—accounting? Art history? Ancient Rome? Calligraphy? Flute? Tame Impala? Why do I know these things.
  • Thick hair and thicker eyebrows.
  • I have a stellar record of my life from sixth grade to the present time. My 80-year-old self will thank me (assuming these paper records don’t disintegrate).
  • I’m not afraid of random conversation and approaching strangers doesn’t faze me anymore.
  • There’s nothing wrong with liking a skinny body.
  • I can whip out 1000 words in a snap if my brain doesn’t think—just types.
  • I make no sense sometimes, but everything is clarified in writing and people seem to enjoy my words.
  • I’m the queen of ambition.

What I Need To Improve On:

  • I need to stop overthinking things as much. For example, I tipsy-agonized over Boy not responding 12+ hours after our date. Until I realized he was a typical Indian male with no communication skills.

*update*: boy still hasn’t responded (after a week), and I suspect he never will. That cunt.

*update2*: boy has responded and is sending me snapchats of New Delhi wtf.

*update3*: boy chatted me “Let’s share a bar [of 90% dark chocolate] when I get back {sunglasses emoji}.” OK.

  • Stop being so noncommittal and flighty. I don’t know why the idea of a relationship disgusts me, but dating someone for too long (i.e. a week) makes me nervous. I wonder: if Boy and I dated, would I have gotten sick of him after a month? Or ghosted because that’s what I do to boys.
  • Quit talking about Boy and LSD. I’m getting tired of those conversations.
  • Holy fuck woman, stop filling out every application for internships, scholarships, etc. that comes your way. I have enough shit on my plate as it is.

Stupid Things To Never Repeat:

  • Don’t share any controversial writings on Facebook, especially when certain acquaintances think it is about them.
  • Never be the first person to ask someone out on a date—in my experience, this has led to regrettable fails. I’m not sexist or reactionary, but I still uphold “wait for the guy to make the first move.” Any confusion is cleared, and you [as a girl] aren’t left feeling vulnerable or stupid.
  • Friendzones exist for a reason; don’t try to finagle out of them because the boy is tipsy, warm, and touchy. Once in the friendzone, STAY IN THE BLOODY FRIENDZONE.
  • Smoking weed the weekend before an exam is stupid as hell.

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