A Listing Of The Mild Fuckery of Spring 2017

B. Hoota

Compared to the fuckbucket of last semester, this Spring was a calm four months of LSD, accolades, and love interests. This post won’t be as long or as juicy; drama was rife without being deadly, although I had my fair share of terrible nights. However, the exhilaration far outweighed the tears, and the semester ended on such a positive, unbelievable note. I leave for a 26-day stint in Europe in three days. I have an incredible internship lined up for the next eight weeks after. I have a boyfriend that holds doors open for me and lectures me on polymer structures. What more could I ask for? This time, Wacahoota Road wasn’t a mess of marijuana sadness and friendship hatred. The mosquitos did not ravage, and Nathan-Assad reminded me of everything remarkable about college, youth, and spontaneity. I’ll begin with a list of *character*defining* shenanigans and analyze their psychological, physical, and social bearing on me.

IMG_0120Spring 2017: The List

  1. I stuffed myself in a dryer.
  2. Innocent Ryan and I explored Micanopy and Wacahoota Road together. Butterfinger pie at Pearls Barbeque happened.
  3. I trip sat Spencer and Jessica, being their dawn-crawling, Publix-babysitter LSD shaman. We littered the LSD tree with Jessica’s pizza goldfish.
  4. I dawn crawled McKethan Stadium, Rawlings Parking Garage, Ben Hill, and the observation tower on Mowry Road. The ensuing article was descriptive and sharp as hell.
  5. Jessica and I threw a random as fuck party where engineering peeps, Sandra, Crocodile people, Antonio, Nathan-Assad, Allison, and Khary attended. (?) I shotgunned a beer in a shopping cart.
  6. I tripped on LSD and had a fabulous twelve hours of Paynes Prairie, kaleidoscopic clouds, and realization about my life being a novel-in-progress.
  7. I started writing for Spoon University and quit the ailing Crocodile.
  8. The O’ Connell Centered offered a business internship to me—and I accepted.
  9. Alvaro kissed me late January, overslept our date that “wasn’t a date,” and tried to be normal friends after. I bawled on an Enclave balcony that wine-drunk, humid night.
  10. Florida Basketball became my new obsession…. especially after I found out Liana lived about John Egbunu, Canyon Barry, and Gorjak Gak. I have their after-game sweat on my skin.
  11. I Facetimed Chris Chiozza. He later texted me, unsolicited, and he technically stood me up on our lunch date. I denied an Elite 8 player as a fuckbuddy!
  12. Gorjak Gak opened the door for me at Keys one Tuesday evening after the Lil’ Wayne concert.
  13. I met Steve Spurrier, he signed a book for me, and I got an unattractive picture with him.
  14. Liana and I clubbed together at Saga for free¸ enjoying the empty Hispanic music room the best.
  15. Jack doodled me a “That’s No Moon” mailbox note at Weekend. That bitch.
  16. I became certified to complete tax returns for low income residents of Gainesville.
  17. I went on an official date with an Indian guy, Nikhil, and he trespassed with me at Ben Hill.
  18. I was a few emails and schmoozing away from getting an article about sexual classical music in VICE. rock the fuck on
  19. Jax and I became decent friends after the whirlwind wedding. We snapchat nearly every day, and I even hung out with him and his 27-year-old friends at La Chua Trail. Awkward? Yes. Would do again? Yes.
  20. Alec E requested me on Facebook and Instagram…past¸ go the fuck to sleep.
  21. ZZ became my harasser/stalker and he left semi-threatening voicemails from his mental hospital in Tampa.
  22. I got a 100% on my second finance exam—and I ended up with an A in the class.
  23. I finished That 70s Show, Freaks and Geeks, and GirlBoss…Bless Netflix.
  24. I walked to campus from Gainesville Place in a record hour.
  25. I rode on a rinky-dink scooter for the first time behind Michael Mansfield.
  26. Jessica was a bitch to me several times throughout the semester and used me for rides to parties, Weekend, and EA events (as well as Tyler H).
  27. I smoked weed out of a Rene Magritte-style pipe and took a shot of moonshine at a 212 “mini rager.”
  28. At the Philanthropy party, I did a 20 second keg stand, texted Chris Chiozza “What a fucking shot” after we beat Wisconsin, and left teenagerhood behind in a mess of alcohol and Ben A knee-touching. I also spoke to Jack for the first time in four months.
  29. I hooked up with Jason Jedson at Sean’s No Pants 21st birthday…I sucked his dick, kissed him for five hours, and slept over.
  30. I dated Jason Jedson for a month, after which he asked me to be his girlfriend. I GOT A BOYFRIEND. JASON JEDSON IS MY BOYFRIEND. My life feel so much wittier and fuller with him in it. Also, he smells fucking divine.
  31. I went to the Materials Science Engineering banquet at the Gainesville Airport hangar. Jason Jedson illegally slipped me a Stellar—that’s my boy.
  32. Jason made me orgasm for the first time after our Lollicup date.
  33. I sent an article praising Spoon University of headquarters, and it was shared like crazy by the badass editors.
  34. Nathan-Assad and I returned to Wacahoota Road at the end of April. The semis were honking and his photography seemed effortless to my clumsy, ISO-ignorant fingers. The highlight of his Spring was getting into Emerson while mine was snogging Jason Jedson and peanut butter Cheez-Its.
  35. I submitted a meme about Kendrick Lamar and the DNA bridge to Swampy UF memes for top ten public teens. It has over 500 likes.
  36. I created two new websites, UnpublishedShit and M__P__, and fiddled around with photography/Photoshop.


Holy mother of basketball Jesus. This semester was eons more interesting, productive, and optimistic than the sludgy mess of fall. I was a classy, drugless slag (sans the acid) that extricated herself from toxic people and refined the lessons learned last October. I surrounded myself with genuine people. Creativity became a mindset rather than a chore. And my writing diversified and expanded into food, elaborate journal entries, and thought pieces (i.e. How I Friendzoned Guys Through Baking). Shit—I forgot to mention the Miles ordeal; whatever, he’s not worth the words.

I’ve gone into details about these spicy bullets already—my journals are mini novels set to self-doubt, self-confidence, and dramaless days. Every week is a daydream of plots I would’ve thought impossible a year before—the basketball players, Jason Jedson, my growth within Spoon: all seem laughable.  I starred my most important “life happenings”; whether they’re dictated by immediacy or genuine impact, I don’t know. Either way, they were personality Legos this semester and will earn a footnote in my autobiography one day. Nothing to the scale of Jack/Trace/Bradley/AJ shit ensued; that category of falling-out only happens once a decade, although I wouldn’t trade in those repercussions or life-lessons for anything.


Bedrich Hoota

IMG_0094.JPGP.S. To Jason Jedson: I enjoyed your wit and your effortless company the most this semester. Because of you, I’m aware that silicon actually has a diamond structure. Thank you, Rolex.



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