A Guide On How To Properly Canoodle In The Car

B. Hoota

And by canoodle, I don’t mean cuddles.

The urban dictionary definition of “canoodle” is “The act of enjoying another’s company by getting close to them.” This implies innocence and grade school makeouts where the dirtiest thing is French kissing. However, since I enjoy alliteration and anything rhyming with “noodle,” I think the definition of canoodling needs to be updated.

Canoodle: giggling into your SO’s shoulder blade after fingering, blowjobs, or penetrative sex. Hair is mussed and legs are tangled together like dreads, the closer the better. And it’s not just physical; behind the pecks and fingertips, there is genuine liking that would remain even if canoodling was limited.

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However, not everyone has the luxury to canoodle between TJMax sheets. For example, horny teenagers rarely dirty their childhood pillows – the bed of an F150 or a Nissan backseat is the closest they get to intimacy. Take it from my experience: making out on the cramped floor of a Ford isn’t sexy for any party involved. ~Here’s a funny story.~ The first time I kissed a boy in his car, we were in a secluded side street in my neighborhood. We had just watched a lame historical movie, gorged on Cold Stone, and I feeling chucky/horny (never a good combination). I crept out of the front seat door to migrate to the back – but the car alarm went off on the silent street. He cussed. I blushed. And we hiked it to another street, only to discover dog walkers were still awake at the ungodly hour of 11:30 p.m. He touched my breast (outside the shirt+bra) for a half-second and stuck his rather-developed tongue in my mouth. It was a pretty ten minutes of inexperience and discomfort.

I was an innocent baby that night, and my other car canoodling stories are far sexier. Being sexy takes practice, no matter how effortless and nipply the Kardashians look on Instagram – it’s taken a few backseats and failed relationships to realize what I like in a good canoodle. My boyfriend is visiting me in Atlanta in three weeks….and staying in my sister and brother-in-law’s house. That rules indoors canoodling out; I feel weird about necking in a bed ­­my sister owns, even during after-midnight hours. It’s like “doing stuff” in a bedroom next to your parents’– practically familial sacrilege.

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Oh my god. I heard my sister and her husband having sex. I know it’s a Saturday night – and it’s their property – but I wish they’d canoodle in a car. This six-year age gap is frustrating; she belittles me like a mother (“separate bedrooms, doors cracked open, and no necking”) yet expects me to pay for groceries, build my furniture, watch the puppy, and hear her having two-orgasms-in-ten-minutes sex. Bullshit. ­­­

Sexual Saturday aside, here are a few tips to properly canoodle in a car. Your seatbelts won’t be tangled, and your thighs won’t have the telltale backseat burn. In some cases, your car is better than a bed – it’s got the mustiness of youth without all the tedium of adulthood.

Dear Jesus, Bring Towels

As a squirter, I know how messy canoodling can get. I used to be embarrassed about my…overexcitement, but it’s nothing to be ashamed about – on the contrary, guys should consider it a compliment. However, scrubbing 409 on your genital fluids the next day isn’t pleasant (take it from my roommate’s experience). “Sneaking” a few towels before canoodling is conspicuous, so throw a few extra in the trunk before a picnic – your backseats will thank you.

AUX Cables Aren’t Just For Road Trips

For some reason, the “Take my Breath Away” scene in Top Gun is the first thing that comes to mind. Music enhances life, from weddings to RTS commutes to necking in a red Honda. Preparing playlists for canoodling also helps – choosing sexy songs on the spot isn’t easy. I’ve also learned that playing tunes through phone speakers is cringe-worthy rather than sensual. The rich bass (the audio equivalent of sex) is missing and everything is shrill.

Recommended Songs

Drop The Game – Flume

To Be Alone – Hozier  *angry, angsty, and sexy

Like Real People Do – Hozier

Basically, any Hozier song is fair game for Frenching+.

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Don’t Forget: Back Seats Do Recline

Oh god. Backseats are uncomfortable straightbacks, even when the sitter isn’t being mischievous. Instead of flipping the seats down, one boy made me crouch in the leg space between his seat and the driver’s. I had no room to breathe, let alone suck something. Let’s face it: canoodling is easiest in a bed, so turn your Herbie into a bedroom and get Fully Loaded. The towels from Tip #1 are sheets, and your breasts are pillows. *Nightlights not required.*

Parking Under Street Lights Is Idiotic

I was an idiot in high school – to be fair, I still am, but I wouldn’t make out under parking lot streetlights anymore. My nancyboy said kissing under lights would cause glare – so he plopped under a Pier 1 Imports lamp and went to town. Looking back, what he said was idiotic; if someone walked by us, we would’ve been 100% visible. I’ll never trust or date a physics boy again….find a dark, lightless alley, and you won’t end up like me.

Ladies, Rock Those Skirts

This tip is from That 70s Show when Donna and Eric were caught canoodling in the Vista Cruiser. The advice of Jackie Burkhart stuck with me: “When you’re doing it in the car, skirts are your best friend. Zip, zip, bim, bam, you’re done, you’re dressed, you’re back at the mall.” Flip it up, canoodle your doodle, and you drive home with a blush and a classy outfit. It would be *optimal* if your lover wore a kilt as well, but life can’t all be Scottish.

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Those Kitty Window Shades Aren’t Just For Children

Those meshed sun shades – especially ones with bright, Disney designs on them – are perfect for canoodling. They shield your mischief from voyeurism and can be reused for actual children later. Couples can never have enough protection, sun shade included. Bonus points if you buy the Hello Kitty sun shade for your vehicle adventures.

Girls On Top, Always

This might be a personal preference, but car canoodling was built for girls on top. From an anatomical perspective, guys are heavier and clumsy when it comes to cramped spaces. Girls on top is nimble, less awkward, and makes penetration easier – and it’s fun to wrap your body around a pinned-down guy. Boys are lucky bastards – they have wriggling goddesses on top of them and don’t have to do anything. Also, if the girl does squirt, it’ll land in a pair of khakis instead of her dad’s leased car.

Put Pillows Over Seatbelt Buckles

Buckles will nudge and dig until backseat injures outnumber those from your lover. Pillows, foam, cushions, whatever – it’ll prevent the “oh god!” exclamations from actual pain and awkward repositioning. If possible, tuck the buckles into the car seat.

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Parking Lots, Especially In Big Cities, Are Sketchy As Fuck

It would suck to be murdered/mugged while you’re canoodling in a car. Your clothes are tattered, your toes rub, and those goddamn hands are in a race to nudity – and then your blood splatters the window and no Big O for you. Value your personal safety above “in-the-moment” penetration, and you’ll be okay. Neighborhood streets or familiar apartment complexes are safe enough; find an empty lot or an overgrown house, and let your breaths fog the kitty screen. And don’t set off the car alarm like I did.

Don’t Let The Poor Bastard Escape

Many guys are shy or uncomfortable about getting dirty in car. To be fair, it is illegal to have sex in a public space, even if you’re in a private car. However, there’s something so taboo and thrilling about car lovings – they’re spontaneous and realistic. And they’re the definition of reckless, bloated youth. Maybe I’m obsessed with staying young, or maybe I’m feeling cooped up with a boring job/boring life/boring goals. But a good car canoodle is exactly what I need.

Me five years from now: “My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.” – Rodney Dangerfield

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