B. Hoota Modern breakfast is a tear-worthy travesty. Most commuters just eat a protein bar or nothing on the fast-walk to their car. The rolled oats, apple cinnamon pancakes, and wedges of Canadian bacon are missing, replaced with suburban traffic. Yeah, breakfast is the “most important meal of day,” but it’s like telling college students […]Read more "10 Tips To Make Breakfast The Sexiest Meal Of The Day"
B. Hoota Mild Slut Noun: a girl who grills the hell out of first and second base but doesn’t actually sleep with her boy toys. In this era of anti-slut shaming, the title above should make every feminist drunk with progressive joy. I’m not advocating for college girls to sleep with every male who makes eye […]Read more "Why Being A Mild Slut In College Isn’t A Bad Thing"
B. Hoota I’m not a 400 pound badass with simpering lips and platinum records behind a pet name. The most cocaine I’ve been exposed to was snorted up the nose of Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. Truthfully, rap music only appeared in my Spotify playlists ten months ago. Despite my nonexistent street cred and explicit-lyric […]Read more "How I Relate To Biggie Smalls As A Privileged White Girl"
B. Hoota To whom it may concern, To all the boys who fuck me in the future, here is a contract you must fulfill in order to slip your penis into my body. I’m not a sex maniac or an intercourse queen; quite frankly, I’m asexual, aside from spontaneous makeout sessions at Grog. I […]Read more "Guarantee of Foreplay"
Peculiar title, but this post is truly about creating awkward-free zones through flour, sugar, and eggs. I’m a dude friend magnet, meaning my closet chums are guys while college females are more distant, misunderstood. I don’t mind that girls are bitches—I just find it easier to get along with sweaty boys that obsess over Star […]Read more "How I Friendzoned Guys Through Baking"
Marriage doesn’t much upset me; it’s the unnecessary hullabaloo that accompanies two lovers and their private business.Read more "I Guess I Like Weddings Now"
B. Hoota Either I’m incredibly daft or I’m the coolest mother my future children will ever have. Drugs are such a fascinating vice of humans—we know these substances are dangerous and yet we inject, inhale, dissolve, crush, and suck down these elixirs anyways. We’re the most intelligent race in Earth’s history that fucks up our […]Read more "The Conundrum of Dropping Acid The Sunday Before Classes With Monday Off"